Just like my Daddy.......naw, I don't think so
Ma Bully told me a loooonng time ago that I was a cold hearted bastard.
Yeah, she did, and yeah in a lot of circumstances I am.
I don't know if I ever blogged about this before, but I have a hard time empathizing with folks for a lot of things. And if I do empathize it doesn't always mean that I will really give a rats ass. Aaaannnndddd on top of that I get really uncomfortable with the whole expressing of emotions if the emotion isn't pissed, happy, or horny.
Case in point. A co-worker of mine lost his father this past weekend. I feel kinda bad for him, but I haven't said shit to him. Not a "Sorry bout your Pops" or "Are you ok" or none of that shit.
Another co-worker told me about a chick that used to work at the plant in S.C. and how she just died of cancer. I felt pretty bad for about a minute and then I realised that I had just confused her with a chick that I banged out a few times. Then I didn't really care so much anymore.I have to have some sort of bond, and not just a "Oh, oh yeah, I work with that guy" type bond. When my boy's Pop died I actually felt bad and went around come funeral time (I don't actually go to funerals......Hell, I wouldn't go to my own if they didn't lock niggas up in that box).
I guess it all boils down to how I grew up feeling about shit. There was just me, my moms, and my sister. Mom's sweated it out and made it good for me and my sister by herself. Very little interaction from the exteded family. There was just us. So thats how I am now. I have my small circle of family/friends and don't really give a fuck 'bout much else. I know who is there for me and have no need..or real reason to care about much else.
Damn, now that I think about it I'm not the cold hearted bastard that I used to be. I was actually felt bad when Pimp C died. I especially used to not give a fuck when celeberities died. I would be quick to say "I don't give a fuck if Tupac is dead. That nigga don't know me and would care if I died" I really used to not give a fuck. This is how gangsta I used to be. I remember when my Dad's mom died. I was like 2 or 3 yrs old. I didn't like that bitch. I didn't want to go to her funeral. I was 2 and a half and was like "So, I didn't like her anyway" (Real talk....I am not making this shit up)
Damn, I guess I'm not just like my Daddy. That nigga used to just not care. He told my moms, long before they divorced, that if she ever divorced him that he would break all ties with my sister and I. He might have been a cold hearted bastard but atleast that nigga knew how to keep his word. I don't think I could ever do some shit like that. Maybe cause I know what it is like to grow up without a pops, maybe just cause I know doing that shit is wrong......prolly a combination of the 2.
Yeah, she did, and yeah in a lot of circumstances I am.
I don't know if I ever blogged about this before, but I have a hard time empathizing with folks for a lot of things. And if I do empathize it doesn't always mean that I will really give a rats ass. Aaaannnndddd on top of that I get really uncomfortable with the whole expressing of emotions if the emotion isn't pissed, happy, or horny.
Case in point. A co-worker of mine lost his father this past weekend. I feel kinda bad for him, but I haven't said shit to him. Not a "Sorry bout your Pops" or "Are you ok" or none of that shit.
Another co-worker told me about a chick that used to work at the plant in S.C. and how she just died of cancer. I felt pretty bad for about a minute and then I realised that I had just confused her with a chick that I banged out a few times. Then I didn't really care so much anymore.I have to have some sort of bond, and not just a "Oh, oh yeah, I work with that guy" type bond. When my boy's Pop died I actually felt bad and went around come funeral time (I don't actually go to funerals......Hell, I wouldn't go to my own if they didn't lock niggas up in that box).
I guess it all boils down to how I grew up feeling about shit. There was just me, my moms, and my sister. Mom's sweated it out and made it good for me and my sister by herself. Very little interaction from the exteded family. There was just us. So thats how I am now. I have my small circle of family/friends and don't really give a fuck 'bout much else. I know who is there for me and have no need..or real reason to care about much else.
Damn, now that I think about it I'm not the cold hearted bastard that I used to be. I was actually felt bad when Pimp C died. I especially used to not give a fuck when celeberities died. I would be quick to say "I don't give a fuck if Tupac is dead. That nigga don't know me and would care if I died" I really used to not give a fuck. This is how gangsta I used to be. I remember when my Dad's mom died. I was like 2 or 3 yrs old. I didn't like that bitch. I didn't want to go to her funeral. I was 2 and a half and was like "So, I didn't like her anyway" (Real talk....I am not making this shit up)
Damn, I guess I'm not just like my Daddy. That nigga used to just not care. He told my moms, long before they divorced, that if she ever divorced him that he would break all ties with my sister and I. He might have been a cold hearted bastard but atleast that nigga knew how to keep his word. I don't think I could ever do some shit like that. Maybe cause I know what it is like to grow up without a pops, maybe just cause I know doing that shit is wrong......prolly a combination of the 2.
Labels: emotions and shit
posted by RAGING BULL at 1:32 PM
6 Comments:
your dad...just wow...no words man.
now about you...ummm I think you try too hard to convince folks that you're cold...to me it just sounds like you don't do awkward.
talking to someone about their relative dying...is friggin awkward...can't blame you for that!
Yeah, I guess I can say that I don't do awkward. But I really used to just not care or feel bad for anyone.
I was on a trip with a guy and a girl once. The chick got a call that her favorite aunt had just died. Chick instantly broke down crying and shit. I didn't feel shit. Later that evening I was like..."....We still going out tonight, right?"
I wouldn't...couldn't do that to someone now.
OH bully please you a Big old Malomar candy all brown and tuff on the outside and all mushy marshmallow inside, you just have to surround yourself with the right people before you'd show the sweet chewy center cause like me you just don't open to people so it's better to be cynic and stoic than to just be NOT on your guard
And also like moi you don't like frilly, awkward positioned- sort of relationships, either people are in or they OUT!
I feel you on that man. I have no clue how to deal with folks and death. I've only had one death in my fam, so I don't really have much experience. My granny passed. I cried for a few minutes, then kept it moving. I don't see what's the point of staying bothered that long over it.
I guess ya pops did keep his word. That's some major stuff right there.
I've been called and ice princess before so I can sorta relate to how you feel and how people see you in that respect.
not that i have a psychology degree by any means, but when you grow up with a void you learn to develop and off switch to the emotions to cope. Hurts do that to ya.
U aint cold...u just got that emotion switch on lock.
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