Life Changing....

....I just got a damn hand job.

That's right....a nice ol' Jack Handey for the Muthafuckin' BULLY.

Got a damn Jack Handey that lasted until WWWEEELLLLL after Steve burped up a sizeable amount of baby batter (Yeah, I just used Minista's vulgar ass term).

...Nigga a gat damn Jack Handey that lasted until Steve had lost a good deal of size and then got wiped up with a warm ass wash cloth.

I was recently involved with someone for damn near a fuckin' year and never got a cot damn Jack Handey (Yeah....if I never even got a Jack Handey I bet you can guess how much sloppy top I got) ......or even got wiped up. Shiiiiittt, I was the one that would get up and get what was needed to clean up whoever's gushy mess.


Yeah......Nothing like a real good Jack Handey to help put things into perspective. Fuck all that selfless ass giving and shit.

Fuuuuuccckkkkk.

Your boy is out to get Jack Handeys and lots o' sloppy top..... and give back to those that give.

And those that don't give....well, I'm still gonna try to get a Jack Handey and sloppy top.

-the Ever Lovin' BULLY

I'm back

So, yeah, its me, your boy.....the Muthafuckin' BULLY.

Yeah, I am still alive.

Been dealing with a lil' shit. Your boy used to work in the Automotive industry....got laid off back in December. For a long time before then I had been fearing something like that would happen. Shit like that, combined with a lil' relationship induced stress really took the blogging shit outta me.


Holy shit.....I feel kinda nervous blogging again and shit. First time in over 3-4 months since the last time I did this. I don't really feel like I can blog like how I had been towards the end....and I really don't want to. I had gotten into the habit of intentionally writing for the laughs and shit.
That shit is wack.....hella wack. Not what I started this blog for, and not what I want it to be. This shit started as a great way to relax and release the shit that was causing an ungodly amount of turmoil in my head and it just so turned out that people found that shit to be High-larious.

Yeah, now that I thinkin' about shit...that's a big part of why I haven't been bloggin......cause I haven't been "feeling funny".

That's hella wack.

Fuck all that.

the BULLY is BACK


p.s.: BLOW ME

You know what really grinds my gears?????

Bitch ass, punk ass, sissy ass, Yankee ass, metro ass rules of fuck ass fashion.

What the fuck!!??!?!!

Why can't a man just put on some decent clothes that match and don't stank and be good?

Naw......a man gotta make sure his jeans are of the right darkness and shit for the certain time of day and shit. Thats some ol' weak ass metrosexual punk ass shit.

What ever happened to men being men and letting women be women? Man be tough, woman be pretty?

And you know what makes me even more pissed?


That if I don't follow those punk ass sissy ass dressing rules then I look like a fuckin' tacky douche.

I hate looking like a douche.

Now I gotta make sure my darker jeans are dark enough to be worn at night and shit.

That shit is sooooo hella homosexual.

Maaaannnnn I wish I could just put on some fuckin man ass clothes, look like a fuckin man and be happy. What do I want to wear tonight? I wanna wear my fly ass "Power to the People" T-shirt with my favorite Levis, but are my levis dark enough? Even though the party's dress code says casual....are all the sissy ass dressing greeks and shit gonna be casual and shit? Am I gonna show up in a button up and dark jeans, be all ornery feeling, cuss out the chick I'm gonna be gettin all giggity giggity with and fight some old ass frat guys?

I don't know.....maybe I shouldn't drink.....or maybe I should just drink before I go....and hope I'm mellowed out before I get there.

Fuuuuucccckkkkk I pre-paid for this shit.

Fuck it.

I'm gonna rock out with my cock out.


-the Muthahfuckin' BULLY

Hello Muthahfuckahs

E......BULL E and you best not shake up my gat damn malt liquor.

Sooooo, your boy is Greenville for the jizzob. I came home, ate a bit, went to sleep and awoke to the beginning of "Dream Girls". I saw the scene where J-Hud first starts hittin on Jaimie Foxx..... She was lookin all freaky and nasty...bitin her lip and shit.... (Naw, I aint never seen "Dream Girls before....Really, do you really expect BULL E to just watch that shit????)

Nigga....

I want some of that.

Did you see her fuckin' eyes....shiiiittttt. I used to know a chick that looked like her.....and had those ol' sexy ass eyes......and NIGGUH was she nasty. I'm tombout my first porno style nasty chick

like.....

this one time...

had me thinking

"Oh my G_D....did she just let it dribble out of her mouth and fall on her titty.... all while lookin me in the eye?"

FUCK..... I miss her ol' Virgin Island ass.

Damn, I love me some Caribean ass women.

...lemme go facebook her terribly involved ass.

Anyway, I just heard them say something that has been buggin' me lately. They just said how that dude Curtis or The Dreams were the most successful Negro R&B something or other....

I've been reading Eldridge Cleaver's "Soul On Ice" (Pretty good shit, guys) and he at one point he talks about how everything that black folks do, or do well is always categorized as being black, or negro, or Afro American. Now, he came from a much different era...back when blacks were first breaking in to a lot of things...like pro-sports and major acting roles and stuff. They were called Negro Actors and Negro Ballplayer and shit. It was done and said to be like a back handed compliment type thing. Like, "Yeah he's a ball player, which is pretty surprising that he can perform on this level with him being a negro and all...." I......I....idk.

This movie is sad and shit....and what makes it even worse that I know this is kinda like Diana Ross and those girls....and I know what happened to Flo.

Fuck....Tracy Ellis Ross' tits are soooooo far apart.

This movie really makes me hate Disco. Maaaannnnn, they didn't have to do Effie so dirty.

-BULL E
I mean....that shit s

I'm not sure I'm ready

Yeah, soooooo I'm gonna apologize now to any of my readers that potentially may be insulted by this.

Jaila, Shay Shay Le Boom (Maybe I should say boom boom cause both of her boobs are big, not just one. Ha ha....lopsided boobies are funny. Not all the time...I mean most of the time I can't even notice. But I remember when those strap on one side shirts were in style. They already make your boobs look funny, but then you would see chicks with like a B and a D and that shit would be all types of fucked up....and why do lopsided titty havin ass chicks wear tube tops?.....) Kaliente, Amazon and whomever else that reads this and it strikes close to home.

Yeah, soooo back to the regularly scheduled blizzog.

Yeah.....so my homie, Lil Nigga, called me up last night to see if I was watchin the UFC shit (Season Premier of the Ultimate Fighter). We got to shootin the shit and I hear a lil kid in the background.

BULLY: Whose kid is that in the background?
Lil Nigga: That's my girl's.....She moved in with me.
BULLY: .......DAMN nigga......You's a better nigga than me.

So, yeah, that shit kinda threw me..... I really got to thinking about it. I'm not against kicking it with/dating a chick with a kid......but being fully committed and getting that whole insta-family shit just does not sound like the business to me.

I'm sorry.

Shiiittt, and its not that I don't want kids...its the exact fuckin' opposite. I really do want kids, but I want my own. I would love to have a couple of cute little mini-BULLies running aound. The idea of being a father to some other dude's seed is soooo un-attractive to me. Raising up kids is a big deal. Its the most intesive, heavily invested thing you will EVER do. The thought of investing my self, my life, my money, my time and my emotions in someone else's genetic continuation when I don't have my own legacy. I ain't got my own BULLY Jr. I wanna be out one day at a ball field watching Lil BULLY runnin around fuckin up Mark Buster Jr. I don't see me getting the same fulfillment outta cheering for Mark Buster's kid against Johnny Blow.

Now, there are a few exeptions......well, I can only think of one big exception. If the kids are fathered by family...blood or not. For real, I don't want my boys havin kids and not considering me for Godfather and shit. If one of my boys had kids and for whatever reason they needed me to take care of theirs ..... I'd be all over parenting and loving them nigglets like stank on shit.

The love aspect.... that's what my more sensitive, Sweet Nigga side reminds me about. I know that once you get to know nigglets and get involved with them the whole "Love 'em like they were yours" type shit is supposed to kick in. Why do I half way have faith in that happening? What do I use to argue the point to myself?

Again, I apologize.

I figure that if I can love a puppy like he was my own, then I guess I can love a kid like my own....... i guess. (Shiiiittttt, a nigga loves his lil sister's min-pin.)

Really, though, whether I would rather get with a chick that has a dog instead of a kid doesn't really matter. What does is that I would halfway give it a chance.......I guess.

Here is my question. How do women view dude's accepting them and their kids? Do y'all even look at the whole picture? Do you really take the whole dynamic into consideration?

Or are y'all stuck on the one single thought of "I have a kid to raise and he better just deal with it."

Sometimes I almost forget.....

Yeah, some times I almost forget that I am the Muthafuckin' BULLY. Then slightly bullyish stuff happens, I remember and then I do slightly more bullyish stuff for the fun of it.

Ok, completely unrelated and random: One of those student loan commercials just came on. Mufuggas tomboutsum trying to let everyone know they are seperate from the gubment and fannie mae and shit. Thats cool. What's not cool is that they had a bitch on there tombout some "I'm making payments while I'm in school so my debt won't be so high when I get out"

BITCH!!!

How the fuck you gonna have money to make payments on the loan you have taken? If you can make the payment then you don't need the damn loan.

Anyway......

Soooo, I'm guessing what has me feeling Bullyish right abouts now...... I'll tell you in any old order:

• I got kinda big ballsy and assertive over some shit at work with folks that are at my manager's level and above. (I don't run off at the mouth while not knowing what the fuck I am tombout.....sooooooo me gettin all ballsy means I am really startin' to be knowledgeable and a Strong Player in my position. Thats that good shit)
• I had some hot sexxxy ass sex this weekend
• Ol' girl talked some ol' Head blowin up ass shit to me after we had some hot sexxxy ass sex. (Tomboutsum "We're gonna need to get some length taken off your penis......." (This is because her cervix be hurtin' the hell outta her ass and she cramps and shit after sex) Had me all like "Baby, I can try to not go in all the way if you think that will help" Shiiiiiiittttt, I know Steve is average sized, but it is still nice and sweet to hear a chick talk about yo shit like you can knock down the Great Wall of China in this bitch. But don't get it twisted and sleep on Steve cause he is average sized. That nigga is MAGICAL!!)
• I'm thinking about renaming Steve and calling him The Cervixanator.
• I accidentally shot a text to Goldie (Goldie is the chick I fucked around, lost my mind for a minute and kissed all in the mouth while I was in South Beach for Memorial Day Weekend) last night (Her and Slim Chick have the same name) Texted Big Chris about it and he asked me if I was gonna try to pursue her. I told him hell naw, but since I'm gonna be where she lives, Seattle, in Feb that I would hollar at her then....ty to get in what I can get in......giggity. Shiiiiittttt, she was fine.
• Accidentally textin Goldie has made me want to shoot a text to Hips. Hips was the married one with the wide ass hips that I was feeling pretty hard. (Whatever.......a nigga is sooooo allowed to get weekend crushes on trips like that)
  

Shiiiiittttt, I'm gettin caught up on Facebook Messages and shit and I know I need o get out to the track.

Fuck this....I'm out.


-the Muthafuggin BULLY

I'm back for now.

Soooooo, yeah, your boy has been extra ghost for a lil over a month.

BLOW ME!!

I been doing shit, not doing shit, waiting to hear back on shit, not hearing back from shit, putting up with shit, getting rid of shit, been a lil shitty, been treated a lil shitty and all that there like that there. In the end….I’m still me and I still say “Fuck all that shit!”

So…I guess I’ll begin updating y’all with the female situation.

Me and the Amazon are still kickin it hard as hell……….HHHAAAAAAaaaaaa!!! PSYCH, niggas…PSYCH YO’ MIND, MAKE YO’ BOOTY SHINE!!

What had happened was she had some issues with her apartment. Water leaked into her joint from the apt above and shit got to smelling all musty and moldy and shit. Not to healthy/safe….especially since she has a 5 month old. She decided to get outta there and crash with a friend for a bit (She was already supposed to be moving into another apt in a 1.5 weeks anyway). Here is how that went down.

Ring Ring
BULLY: Hello
Amazon: Hey….blah blah, My friends roommate just came home with a dog and I think my baby is allergic to dogs…
BULLY: What the fuck???? So Your girl just showed up and saw her room mate with a dog in the joint?
Amazon: Yeah…blah blah blah
BULLY (I thought the shit sounded kinda fucked up, but she was upset and had the baby and all that. I didn’t want to make things worse/upset her anymore with my interrogating soooo..): That’s fucked up. Just come up here. Come stay with me.

Now, I am 27.5 years old. Never had a room mate. Only people I have ever shared a house with for more than five days was Moms and my sis. This shit wasn’t gonna be easy , but I wanted to help her out…..yeah, so I’m bitch like that.

Sooooo, she’s staying with me. Now, BULLY as I am, I still believe in respecting people’s homes and all that and showing tremendous amounts of gratitude when they let you stay there…and especially when they are helping you out. Like, if I come to stay at your place for 3 or more days I’m gonna hit the grocery store for you. Replace the bottle of juice that I killed. Maybe cook you some dinner and shit. When I leave I pretty much like shit to be about where it was before I came, if not better. Amazon….. not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, she did do some things, and I did appreciate it very much. She made my bed everyday, did my laundry and folded it up, she wiped down my kitchen counter top once or twice and loaded my dishwasher once or so. She cooked once and bought me dinner twice. That shit was real nice.

But, looking at the whole picture it wasn’t even. 10-11 days and I was provided for 3 meals (Guess who provided US with meals the rest of the time. And the one time that she cooked she packed the leftovers for her lunch the next day. Didn’t even offer it to a nig). She did my laundry, but she ran my washer and dryer a ton. While she was there my shit didn’t go 2 days with out running. And yes, the vast VAST majority of the shit getting washed and dried was hers and her baby’s. She was even using the hot water and shit.


Eventually I had to start asking her to get shit. I asked her to bring home some paper towels and a case of bottled water. The next day she wanted food from this restaurant that she was fiending for and said she was gonna get that for dinner. I said “cool”. She gets the dinner, she tells me she wants some cookies so I go and get some cookie dough (Yeah, another time where She did something, but got something in return also. It didn’t really work for me like that). We eat, and we are full and happy then she puts on the sweet voice and goes “I forgot to get the bottled water and paper towels today.” (Call me stuck on thinking people are trying to run game, but the way that came across to me was that she thought that since she bought dinner that I wouldn’t worry about having her get the paper towels and stuff)

BULLY: That’s ok……you can get them tomorrow.

Anyway, so that’s how shit was going (I’m not even gonna say nothing about my toaster over that she tried to cook a pop tart in and ended up burning shit the fuck up. Had my joint smelling smokey as hell…and this was after I had been gone to the gym for like an hour and the glass door and window had been open. Toaster oven never got cleaned and she only left it in there for a minute…..Yeah, in a minute that bitch smoked enough to permeate my apt and leave the paint on the top of my toaster oven all fucked up as if there was hot fiyah and flames and shit …yeah, really)

So after her being there for a week and a half I go to help her move into her new apt. It was rainy as hell (Yeah, tropical storm Faye was in that bitch) and I’m helping her pack up the rest of her shit and move. I’m up in her kitchen helping her pack up her shit and why is her motherfuckin Fridge and pantry CHOCKED FULL OF SHIT?
CHOCKED FUCKIN’ FULL.

BULLY: Why didn’t you bring some of this food up to my place
Amazon: It would have been out of my way to come here then go up to your place.

Y’all I went way outta my fucking way to do shit and help this female out. I fuckin let her live with me for a week and a half. Moved her big shit (sofa, love seat and dining room set) into my mom’s garage while she waited on her new place to open up. Y’all, I even burned a half day’s vacation to go down and help her get her shit together so she could get out of the moldy musty ass apartment. A halfday. I’m a fuckin’ engineer. I get payed pretty fuckin well. A half a fuckin day is waaaayyyyy more than fuckin $60. But this chick couldn’t take an extra 40 minutes outta her day to bring some food to feed her and the guy nice enough to let her and her 5 month old stay with him so that they didn’t have to stay in a moldy musty ass apartment.

So, yeah, I told her how I felt like I went outta my way to do stuff for her and felt like I wasn’t getting it back. She told me that I wasn’t being fair because she has a kid and has to work a second job and she is tired at the end of the day.

Yeah, she pretty much told me that since she has to do more I have to settle for less.

YYYYyyyeeeeaaahhhhh, ok. Well. Whatever. I did someone some good deeds and shit. Ok. I finished helping her move (put in a total of about 7-8 hours) then went and got her food from Burger King when I was done. And as far as relationship shit went I was done. I still wanted to be friends and kick it with her some, but there wasn’t anyway I could see me being with someone that has such different views on something like that. I’m a very generous, appreciative type person, but I like to get it back. I’ll understand if there is shit that you can’t do, but I’m not down with shit when you just won’t do cause it isn’t easy for you.

Anyway….the next weekend I’m out at a cookout that she invited me to. It was at her friend’s place. The same friend that had the room mate that just up and came home with a dog. Now by now, as told by the Amazon, the room mate had gotten rid of the dog because she realized that she would not have the time for it…….Yeeeaahhh.

So, I’m there, playing some spades and I ask “So, what did room mate do with the dog?”

Amazon’s friend was like ”…..Dog? What dog? My room mate didn’t ever have a dog. Where did you get that from?”

Yeah…..Amazon had done told me a story and played your boy like a poo-butt.

I blew her out in front of her friends…yeah, cause I’m tacky like that. I later texted with her a bunch to give her a chance to make some since outta shit, but she never came up with a decent story.

She went with :”Oh, well, I really just misunderstood the roommate. She told me she was thinking about getting a dog and then ended up not getting it.”
And shit like : “I did question friend when she said the room mate never had a dog….you just didn’t hear me”

Yeah, she got me. So, now I don’t really see me being friends with her anymore. Moms BULLY damn sure don’t like the chick anymore. Funny thing is….her furniture is still in Mom’s garage.

-the Muthafuckin' BULLY

P.s.:My little chick fetish has kinda kicked back in........Slim Chick #1 is doing quite well nowadays.