What is this.......

I was thinking bout this while I was sitting at my homeboys wedding reception, I just got to thinking about it again after watching this romantic joint based on a Novella by Steve Martin, it called "Shopgirl" and it is pretty fucking good. Thing is, for a long, looonnnng time I couldn't really deal with seeing people enjoying the whole great relationship thing. The whole beautiful in love thing, "Oh we feel so fucking happy just to be around each other" thing.

I guess it jealousy, sadness, a big part was me knowing that I had it before, missing it, and wondering if I would ever get in something like that and if so how long would it take. Usually all that shit would bubble up into me just being plain out pissed. I mean, I have had to straight get up up and dip out, get me a little by-myself-time, maybe get me few swallows of some of that drank. I didn't feel any of that shit this weekend. I felt plain out happy for them. Happy for the comfort in which I knew they had just from being around each other. It was weird.

I guess I really am getting to a good point of finally being comfortable with the relationship search. I'm getting to a good place. I think it is a good thing. I know it is an uncomfortable thing. I miss my anger. I'm losing some of the things that I have always known to be me, and it all kinda freaks me out. I think I this must be some sort of quarter life crisis.

I do know that after living on my own I have grown to not like being around lots of people for a long time. After a couple days, I have to bugg Outt. I mean, really. If I can't get away for atleast 30 mins, well I don't know what cause I always just up and bug g outt at some point.

-the BULLY

......Cita

Yeah....Its Sunday night. 11:00 pm Sunday night. I still haven't seen Cita. She blew me off Friday night because she was tired, needed to sleep and might hit me up later on. I didn't get a call till about midday on Sat. That let me know that I wasn't gonna get to see her, prolly ever again.

So, once again, it has happened. I was such a nice fuckin guy to this broad. I even went out of my way to take her coffee one night while she was studying, mostly cause I just wanted to see her for a little. Up until this weekend she was completely seeming to be diggin your boy. This is a bunch of bullshit. I was on my best behavior. This is the type of crap that makes me do the fucked up stuff that I do. A lot of times I have done fucked up shit right off, cause I knew the chick was prolly gonna do something fucked up to me and I didn't wanna be left feeling like an ass. I always had shit on the back burner so I could be like "Oh well, atleast I did this and or that before shit went down.". Didn't do it this time. Tried to go back to my days of being able to just kick it with a female and let shit develop. Didn't rush to put my dick all up in her. Matter of fact, I didn't put my dick all up in her at all.

I hate this gettin older, calming down thing. Not a fuckin year ago would I have taken this as more than reason enough to just start back rippin chicks for no damn reason and blowin 'em off and all that shit. I'm just gonna take this shit in stride.

I hope.

Damn it, Cita.

-the Pickle