Off to a great start

Yeah, so it is early as hizzell on a Saturday Morning (6:55 am). I've been awake for bout an hour. And I feel good.

Why, you ask?

I'll tell you.

My old High School Crush (aka Slim Chick #1) came by. We had some sweet sweet cuddle cuddle action...a nice bangout session...went downtown and watched the end of a parade (we were an hour late cause we were bangin/laying there in post coital bliss all cuddled up). We were seen by my ex (Yeah, Slim Chick has the body that the ex would damn near die for.....really, the ex has a BAD body image problem). I know its kinda petty, but...whatever. She started it. Like a month and a half after we broke up she called me up wanting me to come be her protection cause she started talkin to some dude that turned out to be a little crazy and he started sending her a ton of angry text messages and leaving a ton of derrogative voicemails. Tombout she wants to be friends and shit....I haven't been called since ol dude stopped calling her. Friends my ass.

Anyway...Slim Chick #2 is coming over today to do the festival stuff with me. Whats better than having my ex seeing me with a pretty little slim chick? I'll tell you. Having her see me with 2 pretty little slim chicks.


Holla!!

This is for Poca-hotass and Marlueax (or how ever the hell its spelled)

Yeah, sooooo I'm still thinking about how Poca wants to shout out Marly-marl on her car and not me.

Yeah, I got a problem with letting shit go.......blow me.

Anyway, this is the team. F, the F-150, aka The Trizzy, aka da truck, aka Club Coolbreeze, aka the Beat Machine, aka the green truck, aka my bitch, aka the place that my bottom chick had her most memorable sexual experience with me (Yeeeah. Folks from Tally...you know the trizzy done been out to Lake Ella on a couple late night visits)

Everyone loves the truck. I'm known with the truck. I've had it since I was 14. I see old folks from highschool that I haven't seen in years sometimes and they'll be like "You still driving that ol' green truck? I see it rollin' round town all the time and wonder if its you."

The other is Ms. Destiny J. Maxima (Yeah, its the SE...sport edition 18" rims and Z-rated tires). Don't let the size fool you.....that Big girl is ffffaaaasssstttt!! I've had that thing up to 144mph, still had a more throttle and rpms to go, but I got scared and backed off.

So there you have it. My Blogger version of "Cribs: Whips Edition"

-the BULLY

My life since the last post

Ok, yeah, I have been wanting to post something new for a whizzile, but I wanted my boy, the Gringo, to have a long time of exposure up here. Wanted e'rybody to read his ish.

Anyway, there has been a good amount of fun shit going on muh life. I have gone from being single and lonely, banging out my bottom broad on the weekends due to neccessity, and being a little lonely to dating 3 chicks and being the owner of an approx 3 yr old Yorkie named Paco (Short for Apocalypse).

Yeah, pretty good times.

Lets get into the meat of things......

First new chick...the Hairdresser

I met her at a restaurant/lounge thing. She was givin mad attitude and I was diggin it. We hit it off, we ended up kickin it latenight at the beauty parlor where she works and she sold me some razorbump cream for my face.

We have kicked it a couple of times, had a good time together. She told me how she didn't want to do anything with me early into getting to know each other. Well....if you bring shit up like that around more than a couple times I'm gonna take it as a challenge. I'm competitive as hell and I like to win.

Sooooo one night she took me out to dinner, and while we were out she said something like "I like my men to have a little thug in them". yeah, she asked me if I had any thug in me and a nigga was like "Nope!"

She goes "If something goes down I need to know I'm with someone thats gonna take care of me"

Me: "Naaawww, I will be QUICK to call the cops. I mean, yeah, I'm a gun toter, but that shit is for just in case...emergency type shit. IfI can avoid using it/getting in any kind of shit I will. I have waaaaayyyy too much going on for me in my life to blow it on some no count mofo."

But I still gave her the benefit of the doubt, figured maybe that was her country ass way of saying she likes a protective type dude. We leave the restaurant, go back to her place, kick it, she brought up the not doing anything type thing........I smashed and left. She then sent me messages tombout she shouldn't have done that....now I was gonna just see her the same as the other chicks that I was/am knokin' off and all that. Well....she shouldn't have challenged the BULLY. I like to win.

Next day or so I get a text and she is all geeked up about a pic I have on myspace with my lil sis. We have gold grills in our mouths. They are fake, but were fun as hell. She was mmmaaaddd geeked over it. I talked to her later that night and she says something about She was surprised that I would have a grill seeing how all my friends were white......I was like "WHAT??? Did you even look at my top 8?"

her: Oh, well, all the people in your pics are white. (and then kinda quietly, under her breath says)"It would explain how you talk"

I asked what the hell she said and she was like "Nothing...there is nothing wrong with the way you talk" and all that.

I told her how much it pisses me off when folks want to call me white or white acting/talking.

Anyway, I saw the comment she left on said pic on myspace and that shit said something like "I knew you had some thug in you. Keep it up!"

That shit is sooooo UUUGGHHHHH to me. Her ass is being phased out as we speak. Right now she is at the "Not getting text messages replied to stage" Which will shortly be followed by the "Your whole thing about liking thugs has really turned me off from trying to pursue a relationship with you" type talk. I'll tell her we can be friends, but that is about it.

She was the only thick/kinda big chick on the roster.

The other 2.....little slim chicks. The biggest one (The High School Crush) weighs about 120-125 (She is great arm candy...anyone that I know that has seen her always tells me she is pretty) and is around 5' 4". They are both really sweet. The other one...I'll call her little ass Fiesty, cause she is, is a Grad Student at a little University 'round here (she is cute as hell too). She says she just loves to cook and all that and is showing hellafied amounts of interest (Like inviting me to go with her to a beach vacay where her whole fam will be). I likey her little bold ass. I don't even think I'm gonna hollar at anymore chicks for a while. I'm good with just my 2 little chicks that you could combine their weights and they still not weigh as much as the BULLY.

Oh, and I competed in Highland Games this weekend and kicked much ass.

And yeah, I have a Yorkie now. Ok, he isn't really mine. He belongs to a female friend of mine that is too busy to really keep him.. Since I kinda want a dog, but don't have room for a dog the size that I want I got Paco.

-the BULLY

A post written by Mohawk Gringo

In a second, I'll tell you about the time some white girls sprayed mace at the bully.

But first, I'll let you know the knickname that I know him by. Well, one of the nicknames...if I share the embarassing ones about him, he's gonna do it right back to me.

And then all this about me being the happiest man on the internet will go right out the window.

For those of you who haven't met him, the bully is a big dude. One time at cracker barrel he pulled me out of the back of an SUV and threw me down like I was Shakira. And I'm about 190. Whatever, I took his shoes and threw them in the road and then farted on his pillow.

Don't believe me? There's a twenty minute video of us yelling and whining and about to engage in some fisticuffs.

I think that was somewhere in Atlanta going back to Tallahassee. He got stuck in the middle of the back seat of a Mitsubishi Montero between a half Thai half redneck dude and a greek panamanian. On the way back to Tallahassee we all said we should keep on going to Panama City.

The bully said, "Might as well keep this train a going, my ass is allready sore."

Get it Train...Ass.

And that was after a crazy weekend where he fell asleep at some random wedding reception. I found him in the Marriot bar asleep on a couch with three bridesmaids sitting around him drinking cocktails. I think I took a picture.

Who the hell has a wedding reception at the Marriot anyway?

Oh yeah, the nickname. Six of us were down in Zephyrhills, Florida touring the Zephyrhills water plant. I don't remember, either the bully had a job there, or he was banging one of the supervisors daughters. Either way, there was a huge scale that all six of us got on.

Together, we weighed 1000 lbs. The bully came in at 250. New nickname, Quarter. For you math challenged folks, 250 lbs is one quarter of a 1000 lbs.

After leaving the Zephyrhills plant we headed out to stay at some random chicks house that a friend of ours knew. Later that night, the bully stuck me in the head with a fork while I was trying to sleep. I think it was the one I ate ice cream with.

Wait, let me back up first.

The Zephyrhills tour was just an excuse to go out drinking in Tampa, away from hickville Tallahassee. Tampa is where old people go to die, except for this little strip called YBOR city.

We had all been drinking heavily that night.

After the club closed, a couple of white girls were hollerin' at the bully from their car. So he went over to lay some game down.

I guess me and the bully have different ways of handling the ladies, but next thing I know he's trying to climb though the passenger side window of the car.

For some reason, I don't find anything weird about this. Ten seconds later, the car starts to drive away with the bully half stuck and his feet in the air.

Picture this...a little bitty car, with a big ole bully hanging out. Bully's big ass weighting the car down so much it look like the suspension was broke on one side.

I still don't find anything wrong with this.

Then I see the bully's feet start kicking, like he's swimming but there is no water. Then the car swerves and slams on the brakes. The bully pushes off the car and breaks out into a sprint.

Next thing I know, white girl in the passenger seat leans out the window spraying a big can of pepper spray with a pissed off look on her face.

I don't even remember what the bully said happened, I was laughing so hard.

I hope you guys liked reading this little flash from the past as much as I liked writing it.

If you want more, go visit me at www.mohawkgringo.com. Sign up for the newsletter too, I'm always writing about stories like this.

Big Fun,
Mohawk Gringo

P.S. The bully may come off as a little crazy in this blog here, but I know better. I've heard him talk about how much he loves his momma.

Introduciiinnnnggggg the Mohawk Gringo

Yeeeeaaahhhh, the Mohawk Gringo is kinda like an internet Celebrity....sorta, but he is the HAPPIEST MAN ON THE INTERNET.

We're actually old friends, he is the writer of the first blog that I ever read, the reason that I started bloggin'. I knew him back before he was the Mohawk Gringo, back when he was just some crazy lookin' gringo.

He wrote a post introducing himself and threw in a couple of stories aboutchur boy from a trip to Tampa. They are pretty funny, but he is the ass that shaved his balls with the girl's razor the next morning, but I'm just glad he took a shower. Dude would take 2 outfits for a trip. I'm talkin the clothes he was wearing and another pair o' pants and another shirt that was usually so snug and fruity that it could have easily been confused with one of his little sister's blouses. He usually would have his girlfriend (His "South Florida Pussy"....his words, not mine) come up from West Palm so they could get their sex on. Then on the ride back, while steadily scratching the shit outta his junk say something like "Hey, Bully, don't you hate it when you have sex and then the lube dries up and gets all itchy..."

the BULLY: "Ugh, bitch, naw. I fuckin' take showers.......did you not shower? Have you not showered since yesterday morning?"
Mohawk Gringo:"......nooo" **hung head in shame**

So, not only is he the HAPPIEST MAN ON THE INTERNET he is also one of the nastiest.

Oh, and there was that time he cooked me salmon for Valentine's day, too...but that is another story.

But, yeah, he has an awesome newsletter that he sends out damn near daily. Its always entertaining. He is a great dude/friend. Go on over and check him out at MohawkGringo.com. Sign up for his news letter. Tell him Bully sent you. (Really, go over and sign up for his news letter, tell him I (the BULLY) sent you. I get drinks for referrals.)

He is gonna post a blizzog sometime soon, introducing his damn self (and tellin a couple of stories about me that you never heard) so be on the look out.

-the BULLY

Good news everybody...(Said like the professor on Futurama)

Sooo, I just had a really good date. She was like "We gotta do this again....soon.....like tomorrow"

the BULLY: "Ohkaaayyy"

Before I get into that I gotta talk about this dream I had 3-4 nights ago. I've been asked a time or so about who my blog crush was and I haven't really been able to answer. Ain't really fell for no one's blog. Actually, I think I've been doing this shit so long til I'm beyond the whole blog crush thing.

Anyway...So, I had a dream a few nights ago. I don't feel like going into detail, so I won't.

Buuutttttt, like to hear it? Here it go....

Me and chick are just kickin it. Chillin out on a couch, nigga ends up kinda noddin out and chick wakes me up like are you gonna just lay out here, or are you gonna clean up and get in the bed.

Now, here is what made the dream really nice. I felt like we had been in a relationship for a while and we had that super good level of comfort. Soooo a nigga was like "Ionno, just let me lay here for a while" So, chick goes off, and your boy goes back to sleep. Next thing I know I'm being awaken by said chick. She's buckets nekkid, and kinda leaning over my back, just enough for the boobages to be rubbin' your boy. I wakes up all like "Hey babe" and look down and see that her pubes are all shaved up.....shaved in the shape of an arrow. What made it funny was that the arrow pointed up, toward her face, not down, toward the panooch.

So I get up and wobble my sleepy ass into her room. She tells me about her cool ass lowrider Ranger (yeah, the little ford truck). Hands me the keys and asks me if I want to take it for a spin. To this I answer "Hells yeah". I go outside and drive the shit outta the lowrider truck. It was cool as hell. Had some "beat down" up in it. Some noisy ass exhaust. It had some get up to it and it was a manual, so I had hella fun shifting them gears, knowing my manual skills are marginal at best.


Sooooo, anyway, I don't remember much else, but I'm pretty sure I ended up having to run from the cops in the truck and all that, ended up back at chicks place, but didn't get HO-key Pokey on, but it was still a great fuckin time. I had what I miss most....intimacy. I fuck all the time. I got a couple females (one of which I know for a fuckin fact that I can call her and 30 minutes later be IN them guts), but don't ever get that good ol' huggin and cuddlin with a chick that I dig. That's where the good shit is.

Sooo, who is this lady blogger that my subconcious expects to have an upside down Arrow shaved into her bush and have a cool ass lowrider pick up. Well, maybe it will be as little a surprise for yall as it was for me when I woke up and thought about it. It was Ms. Fresh Bannana Puddin's ol freaky self.

I'll write about my good ol' date that just ended some other time.

My Swag

Feel me?

This weekend has been fun.

Things I've done this weekend: (In chronoligical order)
-Gave Steve a makeover. Steve now looks like a pornstar and is now going by his porn name, Peter Black.
Steve's makeover comes from me communicating with QQ too damn much. This is a warning to you all. Talking to QQ will result in you nairing up your privacies and being all sexxy smooth hairless down there.

-I met a chick that is not unlike QQ. She has a fiance that lives far, far away and she has/had a dude in town for fun stuff. She broke it off with dude in town bout 2 weeks ago. She was mad cool. A smart ass. Dark. Big ol' ass. (More on all this later)
She talked shit about my razor bumps and ingrown hairs so I made her take me to her hair salon and sell me some stuff that she said would help heal them real quick. Soooo at 330 am I'm sittin up in a hair salon just kickin it with chick. It was nice.

-Slept a whole bunch on Saturday

-Drove the Trizzy (Truck for all you lames) down to Tally again. and Realized that the amount that I drive the trizzy is damn near directly proportional to how good I am feeling about myself and how much swag and all that I got going.....and I've been driving the truck a lot. ( Well, I should have known my swag was up when I told chick to not call me after 930....unless its about "business". I told her if she called after 930 and it wasn't about business I was gonna be pissed.
"If I call you at 945 and you miss it don't call me back until the next day if you aint lookin for "business""
(Business, for all you lames, is sexual relations)

-Chick tells me she thinks its about to be over with her and dude cause he has gotten real bad about not answering her calls and then texting her like "I'll call you in a min"

-Chick tells me that dude says he does have another chick and that he is tired of lying to her.

-Saw Rick Ross perform a pretty lackluster show on the roof of a nightclub

-Bought 2 double cheeseburgers. Them joints are delicious.

-Bought a new porno DVD, and a little vibrating toy

-Broke out the new toy and a vibing Jibby ring that I have had for like 3 months that I have been forgetting to use.

-Banged ol' girl out. Banged her out real good.......real real good and then passed out. And let her have the toy. It was like Christmas in April. A nigga gave out nuts and toys to a very naughty girl.

But, yeah, a nigga's swag is back on the come up. I think I lost my swag somehow while I was with the ex. Always breakin myself to make her happy. Fuck all that.

I feel like I am just so damn fly.....Fly-y-y-yy-yyyy.

I checked out a blogger's (K@liente) pics on Myspizzle. She is one purdy ass female. She is gonna be staying a few blocks down from where Team Diesel is staying in South Beach during Memorial Day Weekend......eeeegggggsssaaalleennnttt.

Don't have nothing else to say.

K@liente is pretty ass pretty heffa.

Oh, oh yeah, I finally realized what my type of chick is. People used to ask me and I wanted and I was never really able to really verbalize real quick and easy like. After meeting chick on friday night I realized exactly what I want.
- Dark Skin
-Smart Assedness/Bold and Sweet like Barbeque Sauce
-Big Booty
-Sexual Beast

-the BULLY

A PREGNANT MAN....HOORAY!!!!

.....MAAAANNN, FUCK THAT WIERDO!!!!

Like I give a shit about some wierdo woman that did what most other women do and got pregnant.

This type o' silly shit pisses me off. Not 20 years ago they would have thrown that wierd ass bitch in a carnival and someone would have gotten real rich off a bitch.

Wierd ass bitch gets to go on Opera and shit.....thats some ol' straight Beyool Shit......Wierd Ho. If they need someone to be on Opera they need to put Ma BULLY on there. Let her talk about raising two successful children by her-damn-self. BY HER COT DAMN SELF. Not by choice, but thats just the way it was. But this wierd bitch decides to get a breast reduction and a pussy lip flip and now she is more famous than a fuckin' flavorette.

Let me meet this "Pregnant Man".....see if I don't woop his muthafuggin ass.....like a man.

High ass gas prices. High ass food prices. Going into a fuckin' recession. One of THE MOST IMPORTANT/LANDMARK PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS EVER going on and Wierd Ass Bitch is headlining shit.

That is exaclty why 3rd graders are coming up with better murder plans than an old ass former football star. (ORENTHALL!!)

-the BULLY