Dear Heidi Montag

Good job, bitch.

Real talk, Heidi, I don't know who you are.....or why you are on tv or why I should even give a fuck that you are on tv or had all that plastic surgery, but I think you did a good damn job.

peep the transformation hhhheeerrreeee muhfuggahs.

You went from a lack luster ass pink toe, to a pretty damn good looking pink toe.

-the Motherfuckin' BULLY

Memorial Day Weekend, SOuth Beach

WWWoooooooowwwwwwww

A nigga’s weekend was soooo much fuckin fun. That trip was the most fun that I have ever had I think….I mean maybe. Maybe I’m just getting older and appreciating shit more……Naaaaahhh, that shit was OFF THE DAMN CHAIN!!

Firstly…I mean, the biggest most influential part of the trip….the part that made it most fun was the crew. Then came the tons o’ women, and boose and sun and beach.

Crew Rundown

E-dot: One of the Boys from Mech. Eng. School. Dude didn’t talk to me for a whole semester…tombout “You look liked a big ol’ asshole…I didn’t know why the other guys even hung out with you” his words. He is one of my bestfriends and has been for 5-6 years.

Big Chris: This cat was down from the beginning. My moms loves him. We call the den at momma’s house “Big Chris Room”. I went on a 3-4 day road trip with him once that included my first trip to Memorial Day Weekend South Beach in 2004. Another Bestfriend.

Young Billiam: Knew this cat in E-school. He was an Electrical Eng. Major. We partied some, but we were never in the same core crews. He’s a real nice good guy…I kept on teasing him for being a “Sweet Nigga” this weekend cause he was doing nice things for females. I’d be like “Fuck this!!” then he’d go “Hold on a minute…chill out” The good cop to my BULLY. Spent most of my time paired up with this dude during the weekend. He is a real Stand up dude.

Solar, the brown guy: He is a member of Team M.E. (Mech. Eng.) Took numerous road trips with him and the rest of Team M.E. during school. He is Costa Rican. Costa Rica has no military and he completely embodies that. Great happy dude…never has any problems with anyone and no one can ever have a problem with him. Another all around Great dude.

Ok if I write out what happened in story format this shit will be waaaaaay too damn long, so I am gonna break each day up and spit it out in bullet form. If you don’t like it….then, well…yeah, you can blow me.

Thursday Night:
- I flew into Miami…Big Chris and Billiam flew into Lauderdale. (shit was too late for us to hit the Sex Club with Quebie so we just headed downtown)
- We gawked at some thick white broads…tried to find the Reggae Club, I took a poo in the public bathroom in the downtown club area next to the river (I’m a damn man damnit)
- I ended up linking up with a cute curvy short dark Haitian chick….body was on pppoooooiiiinntttt. Young Billiam was the super wingman (Nigga deserved an award)
- I’m standing with shorty Hatian with a dquiri and her not so attractive cousin comes up, bumps my arm and holds out and empty cup……bitch gets the crazy look. “What the hell you want?” “Some drink?” …..”Nigga you MUST ask, say please and thankyou….don’t come up to me bumping me and holding out no cup”……”Ok…here is a little” (Give her what ever was suspended in my straw) I ended up pouring her a little after she said please and shit (Later she tried will with the same thing and he gave her a nice bit….ol’ sweet nigga but he was doing the best job possible as wingman. Nigga was amazing.”
- We end up giving them a ride to their car. Car was full so we had to lap it up. I was driving and wanted shorty in my lap.
- Shorty straddled me……big chris pulled us from the driverseat. (I told that nigga I could still drive with her on me….)
- Shorty’s cousin’s car ended up with Shorty’s bare ass prints smeared all on the passenger side windows and roof of the car….and I learned that shorty was cleanly shaven…..giggitty ( I didn’t hit, just a little pat and tickle while Billiam put the cousin through all of the Kamasutra Poses across the hood of the rental car….he didn’t hit…but he damn sure had her in the Downward dog position while conversing….wingman extraordinaire)
- We headed back to Miami…..got Free cake from Don Rodrigo…..Sang and dance to “Booty Butt Cheeks” and “Do the Homie” as we went into the I hop
- ….left Ihop and the sun was up.

Friday:
- Checked into the hotel and started drinking immediately
- Got drunk and started walking the strip
- Billiam and I ended up meeting a couple brizzles at the bar in the hotel
- Followed brizzles to the club, Prive
- I left the line to go score some henessy from the liquor store down the way
- Re-upped our buzz on straight hen-dog and bottled water while in line
- Sold the last bit of Hen in bottle to niggas in line for $10
- Got loose as fuck in the club
- Eventually Big Chris, E-dot, and Solar showed up and we had more drinks…..
- E-dot takes shot…makes gasface…hurls a little….right there at the bar
- E-dot keeps on partying
- I realize my phone is lost
- I realize my knife is lost
- I get super overly pissed
- I almost cry like a bitch (don’t ask….I was on some other shit that night)
- I alternate being pissed about loosing phone and getting on hoes (Like dance dance dance….sulk sulk sulk repeat)
- Me and Billiam leave Club….
- Call my phone…no answer
- Call little sis….She said she just finished talking to broad that had my phone and she was pissed cause chick hung up on her
- I get extra pissed cause bitch pissed off sister
- I tell Billiam to go back to the boys…I’ll find my phone myself….
- Billiam was smart/sane enough to not leave drunk raging BULLY alone
- Billiam keeps BULLY from being arrested (yyyeeeaaaahhh)
- I finally talk to chick that has phone
- She tells me to meet her at 10th and Collins
- I think she says 5th and Collins
- I show up at 5th and Collins and start hounding every female I see (Walkin up on them…”Bitch, you lookin for me?....Where my phone bitch”
- Call my phone back up…learn I need to go to 10th and proceed there…
- At 10th and Collins I repeat the “Bitch you lookin for me……Where my phone bitch” routine.
- Chick calls and tells me to get it from front desk and we order them Mimosas for in the morning (What?…..Mimosas are the shit)
- I holler at k@liente (Pretty ass) and tell them we are gonna get pizza near their hotel. I ask if she wants to go get some with us
- K@li says naw, you go get the pizza and bring it up to us
- BULLY says “Fuck that…..you better come down here and wait with us”. But Billiam steps in “…Naw tell ‘em we’ll get it and bring it to ‘em” (good cop to my BULLY)
- Pizza shop runs outta dough…gonna be an hour before we can get pizza
- BULLY says “Fuck them…lets get us these 2 last pieces and bug out!”
- Billiam “Naw man….we can wait”
- The hardest white midget ever comes in with a real ass goon like nigga. Goon Nigga goes off on some white dude and sufficiently punks everyone in the pizza shop (The one on 11th between Collins and ocean) Goon Nigga leaves…Billiam says something to me…..
- Goon nigga comes back like “What was that???”
- Billiam goes “I-I-I-I was talking t-t-t-to him” and points at me
- BULLY ……was still silent as a bitch
- BULLY was not trying to get shot up in a pizza shop by trick daddy’s cousin
- We take pizza to K@li
- K@li thanks BULLY
- BULLY says “Don’t thank me….thank Billiam. If it was up to me I woulda left and yall would not have had shit”
- We leave
- The sun was coming up and we were too tired to even try to get in there and rub on booties…..even though K@li’s cousin did come to the door in a wifebeater and some big ass perkie titties in some sort of sports bra. A nigga was too tired to even stare.
- Niggas went to sleep.

I got 3 more days to talk about….maybe I will come with more instalments….maybe I won’t.

Do you want to hear more?
Things get worse/better as the weekend progressed. Friday was the only day with out some sort of naughty Trollop action.

-the Muthafuggin BULLY

Introduciiinnnnggggg the Mohawk Gringo

Yeeeeaaahhhh, the Mohawk Gringo is kinda like an internet Celebrity....sorta, but he is the HAPPIEST MAN ON THE INTERNET.

We're actually old friends, he is the writer of the first blog that I ever read, the reason that I started bloggin'. I knew him back before he was the Mohawk Gringo, back when he was just some crazy lookin' gringo.

He wrote a post introducing himself and threw in a couple of stories aboutchur boy from a trip to Tampa. They are pretty funny, but he is the ass that shaved his balls with the girl's razor the next morning, but I'm just glad he took a shower. Dude would take 2 outfits for a trip. I'm talkin the clothes he was wearing and another pair o' pants and another shirt that was usually so snug and fruity that it could have easily been confused with one of his little sister's blouses. He usually would have his girlfriend (His "South Florida Pussy"....his words, not mine) come up from West Palm so they could get their sex on. Then on the ride back, while steadily scratching the shit outta his junk say something like "Hey, Bully, don't you hate it when you have sex and then the lube dries up and gets all itchy..."

the BULLY: "Ugh, bitch, naw. I fuckin' take showers.......did you not shower? Have you not showered since yesterday morning?"
Mohawk Gringo:"......nooo" **hung head in shame**

So, not only is he the HAPPIEST MAN ON THE INTERNET he is also one of the nastiest.

Oh, and there was that time he cooked me salmon for Valentine's day, too...but that is another story.

But, yeah, he has an awesome newsletter that he sends out damn near daily. Its always entertaining. He is a great dude/friend. Go on over and check him out at MohawkGringo.com. Sign up for his news letter. Tell him Bully sent you. (Really, go over and sign up for his news letter, tell him I (the BULLY) sent you. I get drinks for referrals.)

He is gonna post a blizzog sometime soon, introducing his damn self (and tellin a couple of stories about me that you never heard) so be on the look out.

-the BULLY

Good news everybody...(Said like the professor on Futurama)

Sooo, I just had a really good date. She was like "We gotta do this again....soon.....like tomorrow"

the BULLY: "Ohkaaayyy"

Before I get into that I gotta talk about this dream I had 3-4 nights ago. I've been asked a time or so about who my blog crush was and I haven't really been able to answer. Ain't really fell for no one's blog. Actually, I think I've been doing this shit so long til I'm beyond the whole blog crush thing.

Anyway...So, I had a dream a few nights ago. I don't feel like going into detail, so I won't.

Buuutttttt, like to hear it? Here it go....

Me and chick are just kickin it. Chillin out on a couch, nigga ends up kinda noddin out and chick wakes me up like are you gonna just lay out here, or are you gonna clean up and get in the bed.

Now, here is what made the dream really nice. I felt like we had been in a relationship for a while and we had that super good level of comfort. Soooo a nigga was like "Ionno, just let me lay here for a while" So, chick goes off, and your boy goes back to sleep. Next thing I know I'm being awaken by said chick. She's buckets nekkid, and kinda leaning over my back, just enough for the boobages to be rubbin' your boy. I wakes up all like "Hey babe" and look down and see that her pubes are all shaved up.....shaved in the shape of an arrow. What made it funny was that the arrow pointed up, toward her face, not down, toward the panooch.

So I get up and wobble my sleepy ass into her room. She tells me about her cool ass lowrider Ranger (yeah, the little ford truck). Hands me the keys and asks me if I want to take it for a spin. To this I answer "Hells yeah". I go outside and drive the shit outta the lowrider truck. It was cool as hell. Had some "beat down" up in it. Some noisy ass exhaust. It had some get up to it and it was a manual, so I had hella fun shifting them gears, knowing my manual skills are marginal at best.


Sooooo, anyway, I don't remember much else, but I'm pretty sure I ended up having to run from the cops in the truck and all that, ended up back at chicks place, but didn't get HO-key Pokey on, but it was still a great fuckin time. I had what I miss most....intimacy. I fuck all the time. I got a couple females (one of which I know for a fuckin fact that I can call her and 30 minutes later be IN them guts), but don't ever get that good ol' huggin and cuddlin with a chick that I dig. That's where the good shit is.

Sooo, who is this lady blogger that my subconcious expects to have an upside down Arrow shaved into her bush and have a cool ass lowrider pick up. Well, maybe it will be as little a surprise for yall as it was for me when I woke up and thought about it. It was Ms. Fresh Bannana Puddin's ol freaky self.

I'll write about my good ol' date that just ended some other time.