Dear Heidi Montag

Good job, bitch.

Real talk, Heidi, I don't know who you are.....or why you are on tv or why I should even give a fuck that you are on tv or had all that plastic surgery, but I think you did a good damn job.

peep the transformation hhhheeerrreeee muhfuggahs.

You went from a lack luster ass pink toe, to a pretty damn good looking pink toe.

-the Motherfuckin' BULLY

Oh, oh yeah

My dad's twin brother died a couple weeks ago.

Believe it or not, I actually felt bad for my dad. My dad's twin brother was one of the VERY few things he truly loved. He truly loved his twin brother, his mom, and Kappa Alpha fuckin Psi.

His moms died when I was like two....and no she was not a particularly nice lady. I mean, fuuuccckkkk, yeah, I think I was more aware of things than your average 2 yr old, and maybe that is evident of me remembering shit from when I was two, but she was never really all that nice to my sister or I.

She didn't like my moms.

Actually, none of those low life piece of shit motherfuckers (dad's fam) liked my mom.

Fuck them.

Anyway, my dad's twin brother died and I actually felt bad for my dad. Fucking getting older and softer and all emotional is a fuckin' trip.

So moms and sis are going to the funeral.

Well, moms, sis, and sis' dude are going down ther.


Pops wants me to come.

Fuck that.

1) I don't go to funerals. I put on the suit and meet you back at the crib where people will be after the funeral. I'll eat, and I'll kick it with you and make jokes and shit. I don't do funerals. When Big Chris' pops died, I put on the suit, drove moms to the Church, picked moms up from the church and went back to the crib, and cut jokes.

2)WWWWHHHYYYYYYY the fuck should I be expected to show up to some nigga's funeral that prolly wouldn't even be dead right now if he didn't smoke so many fuckin' rocks?

I mean, it kinda does make me sad, cause I know that pops won't be living much longer either, as he has also enjoyed a great many of the rocks, but shit.

Another question is will I go to Pops' funeral when ever he dies?

Idk....I mean....I can't even say I would want to join up with those people after the service and eat and cut jokes.

Just thought about something....someone once told me that they were jealous of how close I am with my family and because I was able to always do stuff with them.

I don't fuck with ANYONE on my dad's side of the family. Don't have a relationship with my my moms mom. Haven't cared for my uncle since I was like 9 or 10. and Care MUCH less for him now...or the past few years.

For all real purposes I have 2 people in my family that I kick it with. 2.

I mean yeah, me and moms and sis have a real real good thing going, but it is just us. I think it would be nice to be able to go and visit this uncle and that aunt and this cousin and that cousin. I don't even fuckin respond to my dad's twin brother's kids when they write on my myspace wall. (Ok, I have no real reason for that, other than they have the family name. I shouldn't be so bad about them...i should reach out to them........)

Anyway....that's enough of that shit.

-the ever lovin BULLY

Merging Monster

Thats waht the fuck I am. I am kinda starting to enjoy driving in DC, and learning to drive like a DC person. These cats drive pretty aggressively, and not unlike assholes......and I refuse to be out aggressively driven or assholed.

Okay, most of the times I've driven in DC I've been on chill mode. I'm getting older and much more relaxed. (Fugg you, Rock Head, I'm not a sissy, just more sensible. And I hope you are ok...if I don't hear from you with in a week, you better believe I'm calling your damn job.)

Naw, but what had happened was, I drove the ol' green truck (My '95 extended cab f-150) to DC this past weekend. Drove that bitch all over...all around Suitland, Bowie, down to Adams Morgan, over to Silver Spring (picked up some DC chick, for lunch, in the truck....cause I don't give a fuck.....which is hella funny, cause the truck is old and wore out...damn near hooptie status (ac doesn't work, driverside inside door handle is broken off so I have to reach out the window and open my door from outside, i'm sure it smells a little sweaty, and then smells from the various fluids (Powersteering and Transmissions fluids, Some antifreeze/coolant and the bottles all leak and keep the floor in the back seat a nice wet oily mess) that I have to keep on hand because of the leaking issues. Its mine, though and I've had it since I was 14 and I loves it) Nigga.....when you are driving a fourteen year old truck with fucked up paint on the hood and roof and you try to merge, people just let you because they know you don't give a fugg.

Wait, did I also forget to mention the big ass dent in the front bumper and the dents and scratches on the passenger side from some trees one time? Or that the rims are all dull and wore out looking?

Yeah, that is my muthafuckin truck.

Blow me.

Anyway...your boy is a non-profiteer now. I am volunteering my time and efforts to this lovely org: Louise's Angels. It's a great cause....it's purpose is to empower inner city girls. It is just getting started by a very motivated and intelligent young lady. I'd gush more about it, but it prolly deserves it's own blog, so I will gush more there.

Yeah, but go check it out. If you are in the DC area, letchur boy know. I'll let you know bout what we got going on.

But...... yeah, your boy is finally getting into the not-for-profit world. Working with Louise's Angels will not only be a great outlet for me to use to give to the community, it will also help me learn what I will need to know to eventually do my own thang.

yyyuuuuppppp

-the BULLY

p.s.: gucci bandana, gucci gucci bandana

Life Changing....

....I just got a damn hand job.

That's right....a nice ol' Jack Handey for the Muthafuckin' BULLY.

Got a damn Jack Handey that lasted until WWWEEELLLLL after Steve burped up a sizeable amount of baby batter (Yeah, I just used Minista's vulgar ass term).

...Nigga a gat damn Jack Handey that lasted until Steve had lost a good deal of size and then got wiped up with a warm ass wash cloth.

I was recently involved with someone for damn near a fuckin' year and never got a cot damn Jack Handey (Yeah....if I never even got a Jack Handey I bet you can guess how much sloppy top I got) ......or even got wiped up. Shiiiiittt, I was the one that would get up and get what was needed to clean up whoever's gushy mess.


Yeah......Nothing like a real good Jack Handey to help put things into perspective. Fuck all that selfless ass giving and shit.

Fuuuuuccckkkkk.

Your boy is out to get Jack Handeys and lots o' sloppy top..... and give back to those that give.

And those that don't give....well, I'm still gonna try to get a Jack Handey and sloppy top.

-the Ever Lovin' BULLY

You know what really grinds my gears?????

Bitch ass, punk ass, sissy ass, Yankee ass, metro ass rules of fuck ass fashion.

What the fuck!!??!?!!

Why can't a man just put on some decent clothes that match and don't stank and be good?

Naw......a man gotta make sure his jeans are of the right darkness and shit for the certain time of day and shit. Thats some ol' weak ass metrosexual punk ass shit.

What ever happened to men being men and letting women be women? Man be tough, woman be pretty?

And you know what makes me even more pissed?


That if I don't follow those punk ass sissy ass dressing rules then I look like a fuckin' tacky douche.

I hate looking like a douche.

Now I gotta make sure my darker jeans are dark enough to be worn at night and shit.

That shit is sooooo hella homosexual.

Maaaannnnn I wish I could just put on some fuckin man ass clothes, look like a fuckin man and be happy. What do I want to wear tonight? I wanna wear my fly ass "Power to the People" T-shirt with my favorite Levis, but are my levis dark enough? Even though the party's dress code says casual....are all the sissy ass dressing greeks and shit gonna be casual and shit? Am I gonna show up in a button up and dark jeans, be all ornery feeling, cuss out the chick I'm gonna be gettin all giggity giggity with and fight some old ass frat guys?

I don't know.....maybe I shouldn't drink.....or maybe I should just drink before I go....and hope I'm mellowed out before I get there.

Fuuuuucccckkkkk I pre-paid for this shit.

Fuck it.

I'm gonna rock out with my cock out.


-the Muthahfuckin' BULLY

I'm back for now.

Soooooo, yeah, your boy has been extra ghost for a lil over a month.

BLOW ME!!

I been doing shit, not doing shit, waiting to hear back on shit, not hearing back from shit, putting up with shit, getting rid of shit, been a lil shitty, been treated a lil shitty and all that there like that there. In the end….I’m still me and I still say “Fuck all that shit!”

So…I guess I’ll begin updating y’all with the female situation.

Me and the Amazon are still kickin it hard as hell……….HHHAAAAAAaaaaaa!!! PSYCH, niggas…PSYCH YO’ MIND, MAKE YO’ BOOTY SHINE!!

What had happened was she had some issues with her apartment. Water leaked into her joint from the apt above and shit got to smelling all musty and moldy and shit. Not to healthy/safe….especially since she has a 5 month old. She decided to get outta there and crash with a friend for a bit (She was already supposed to be moving into another apt in a 1.5 weeks anyway). Here is how that went down.

Ring Ring
BULLY: Hello
Amazon: Hey….blah blah, My friends roommate just came home with a dog and I think my baby is allergic to dogs…
BULLY: What the fuck???? So Your girl just showed up and saw her room mate with a dog in the joint?
Amazon: Yeah…blah blah blah
BULLY (I thought the shit sounded kinda fucked up, but she was upset and had the baby and all that. I didn’t want to make things worse/upset her anymore with my interrogating soooo..): That’s fucked up. Just come up here. Come stay with me.

Now, I am 27.5 years old. Never had a room mate. Only people I have ever shared a house with for more than five days was Moms and my sis. This shit wasn’t gonna be easy , but I wanted to help her out…..yeah, so I’m bitch like that.

Sooooo, she’s staying with me. Now, BULLY as I am, I still believe in respecting people’s homes and all that and showing tremendous amounts of gratitude when they let you stay there…and especially when they are helping you out. Like, if I come to stay at your place for 3 or more days I’m gonna hit the grocery store for you. Replace the bottle of juice that I killed. Maybe cook you some dinner and shit. When I leave I pretty much like shit to be about where it was before I came, if not better. Amazon….. not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, she did do some things, and I did appreciate it very much. She made my bed everyday, did my laundry and folded it up, she wiped down my kitchen counter top once or twice and loaded my dishwasher once or so. She cooked once and bought me dinner twice. That shit was real nice.

But, looking at the whole picture it wasn’t even. 10-11 days and I was provided for 3 meals (Guess who provided US with meals the rest of the time. And the one time that she cooked she packed the leftovers for her lunch the next day. Didn’t even offer it to a nig). She did my laundry, but she ran my washer and dryer a ton. While she was there my shit didn’t go 2 days with out running. And yes, the vast VAST majority of the shit getting washed and dried was hers and her baby’s. She was even using the hot water and shit.


Eventually I had to start asking her to get shit. I asked her to bring home some paper towels and a case of bottled water. The next day she wanted food from this restaurant that she was fiending for and said she was gonna get that for dinner. I said “cool”. She gets the dinner, she tells me she wants some cookies so I go and get some cookie dough (Yeah, another time where She did something, but got something in return also. It didn’t really work for me like that). We eat, and we are full and happy then she puts on the sweet voice and goes “I forgot to get the bottled water and paper towels today.” (Call me stuck on thinking people are trying to run game, but the way that came across to me was that she thought that since she bought dinner that I wouldn’t worry about having her get the paper towels and stuff)

BULLY: That’s ok……you can get them tomorrow.

Anyway, so that’s how shit was going (I’m not even gonna say nothing about my toaster over that she tried to cook a pop tart in and ended up burning shit the fuck up. Had my joint smelling smokey as hell…and this was after I had been gone to the gym for like an hour and the glass door and window had been open. Toaster oven never got cleaned and she only left it in there for a minute…..Yeah, in a minute that bitch smoked enough to permeate my apt and leave the paint on the top of my toaster oven all fucked up as if there was hot fiyah and flames and shit …yeah, really)

So after her being there for a week and a half I go to help her move into her new apt. It was rainy as hell (Yeah, tropical storm Faye was in that bitch) and I’m helping her pack up the rest of her shit and move. I’m up in her kitchen helping her pack up her shit and why is her motherfuckin Fridge and pantry CHOCKED FULL OF SHIT?
CHOCKED FUCKIN’ FULL.

BULLY: Why didn’t you bring some of this food up to my place
Amazon: It would have been out of my way to come here then go up to your place.

Y’all I went way outta my fucking way to do shit and help this female out. I fuckin let her live with me for a week and a half. Moved her big shit (sofa, love seat and dining room set) into my mom’s garage while she waited on her new place to open up. Y’all, I even burned a half day’s vacation to go down and help her get her shit together so she could get out of the moldy musty ass apartment. A halfday. I’m a fuckin’ engineer. I get payed pretty fuckin well. A half a fuckin day is waaaayyyyy more than fuckin $60. But this chick couldn’t take an extra 40 minutes outta her day to bring some food to feed her and the guy nice enough to let her and her 5 month old stay with him so that they didn’t have to stay in a moldy musty ass apartment.

So, yeah, I told her how I felt like I went outta my way to do stuff for her and felt like I wasn’t getting it back. She told me that I wasn’t being fair because she has a kid and has to work a second job and she is tired at the end of the day.

Yeah, she pretty much told me that since she has to do more I have to settle for less.

YYYYyyyeeeeaaahhhhh, ok. Well. Whatever. I did someone some good deeds and shit. Ok. I finished helping her move (put in a total of about 7-8 hours) then went and got her food from Burger King when I was done. And as far as relationship shit went I was done. I still wanted to be friends and kick it with her some, but there wasn’t anyway I could see me being with someone that has such different views on something like that. I’m a very generous, appreciative type person, but I like to get it back. I’ll understand if there is shit that you can’t do, but I’m not down with shit when you just won’t do cause it isn’t easy for you.

Anyway….the next weekend I’m out at a cookout that she invited me to. It was at her friend’s place. The same friend that had the room mate that just up and came home with a dog. Now by now, as told by the Amazon, the room mate had gotten rid of the dog because she realized that she would not have the time for it…….Yeeeaahhh.

So, I’m there, playing some spades and I ask “So, what did room mate do with the dog?”

Amazon’s friend was like ”…..Dog? What dog? My room mate didn’t ever have a dog. Where did you get that from?”

Yeah…..Amazon had done told me a story and played your boy like a poo-butt.

I blew her out in front of her friends…yeah, cause I’m tacky like that. I later texted with her a bunch to give her a chance to make some since outta shit, but she never came up with a decent story.

She went with :”Oh, well, I really just misunderstood the roommate. She told me she was thinking about getting a dog and then ended up not getting it.”
And shit like : “I did question friend when she said the room mate never had a dog….you just didn’t hear me”

Yeah, she got me. So, now I don’t really see me being friends with her anymore. Moms BULLY damn sure don’t like the chick anymore. Funny thing is….her furniture is still in Mom’s garage.

-the Muthafuckin' BULLY

P.s.:My little chick fetish has kinda kicked back in........Slim Chick #1 is doing quite well nowadays.

I don't give a fuck.

Fuck you very much.

Hello, my name is the BULLY.....yes "the BULLY" and you do have to say the whole thing.

My name is the BULLY and I don't give a fuck.

The following is a list of things that I do give:

Ass woopings
cunnilingus (if I spelled that wrong BLOW ME)
innapropriate text messages to involved women
innapropriate text messages to single women
great medium sized dick (Steve)
scary car rides
awesome pony (Steve) rides
Drunken great medium sized penis (Steve on that Drank)
The best kisses
Vulgar language
Random ass facts and examples
Pointless long ass stories
tittie orgasms (yeah, I'm that good)
Myself haircuts

......the list goes on and on, but that list does not include a fuck.

Right now I am in my lil sis' room at her new house. Yeah, she is 24 and a home owner...big up to the BULLY's lil sis.

Anyway..I am held up in her room while she is out in the livin room with her female friends all screaming and hootin' and hollerin.

They are watching a stripper.

Prolly touchin' his big ole stripper dick.

I don't give a fuck.

If Slim Chick #1 wasn't dealing with a migrain right now I'd prolly be touchin on her big ol D-cup boobages.....and then some cause I'm nasty....and I don't give a fuck.

I'm sippin on some shit. Might be loosed up by the time the OHN talk radio shit jumps off.

Less than a week till I am in M-I-Yayo. Gonna get off in a nasty sex club with my e-girl QQ....gues she will then be a real world friend then.....especially if she ends up accidentally seeing Steve as I beat some unsuspecting 40 something white woman about her clavicle with him.

Slim Chick #2 is tired of talking to me and me not trying to be exclusive and me still banging out Slim Chick #1. I don't really feel like me and Slim Chick #1 and I are reallygonna end up being anything, even with her killing Slim Chick #2 in the tittie war (D vs A). I really enjoy talking with Slim Chick #1. She is a nerdy book geek type chick and she is smart and sweet and can take and return my smartassedness and she shows mad interest in what I do at work. I really like that.

I'm not ready to stop fucking these other females though.

And Slim Chick #2 and I have only been out twice then she left town at the end of April and wont be back till the beginning of June. I mean, yeah, we talk alot....like everyday....I don't want to commit to someone that I cant even hug up with on the weekends. Maybe when she comes back to town, but shiiiiiiiiit.......Fuck all that

I think she is really just trying to catch me up before I go to the M-I-A and get loose on South Beach. Yeah, she looked at the pics that I have on fb and ....well...yeah, she voiced her concerns.

but....hey, I'm the BULLY and not ready to go straight and narrow just yet.

So, she tells me things are gonna change if I'm not ready to leave the other broad alone and stuff. She is tired of kinda acting like we are in a relationship (all the talking on the phone and stuff....We talk on the phone while I am work too....yeah, she is allowed to call the corperate line)

I told her that I am really trying to build a strong friendshiplike bond...or see if one can be built before I commit to a relationship..not commit to a relationship and then form a bond.

Anyway....I'm not comprimising my shit for a female's wants again. I'll commit if and when I want to.

-the BULLY