Dear Heidi Montag

Good job, bitch.

Real talk, Heidi, I don't know who you are.....or why you are on tv or why I should even give a fuck that you are on tv or had all that plastic surgery, but I think you did a good damn job.

peep the transformation hhhheeerrreeee muhfuggahs.

You went from a lack luster ass pink toe, to a pretty damn good looking pink toe.

-the Motherfuckin' BULLY

I'm not even gonna title this shit

Holy shit.....my weekend has sucked.

Shit, 2010 has been sucking........and no one has been sucking on me....not even a little bit.....not even a lick lick lick kiss "Is that good enough?"

So, yeah, my b-day is in Feb, so that means my car registration is about to expire, so that means it's time to get my vehicle registered in Md. ........Yeah, that's totally gonna be like $600 to get the car and the trizzuck registered and shit. Oh, but wait, Md has Vehicle inspections....that shit is gonna run me atleast 60 bucks per vehicle......oh, and Md. has like the most strict vehicle inspection criteria in the motherfuckin' country.....not a problem for the sexy lil Maxima, but the Old Bitch....yeah, that's gonna be a problem.....

Shit that I know is gonna have to be fixed/replaced/removed to pass inspection:
-Limo ass tint has got to go (that's that bullshit...STRAIGHT UP. I've had that dark tint on my shit for like 6-7 years....it has enabled me to get my fuck on in a pretty public place....like in the parking lot RIGHT in front of a Hookah Bar. Fuck you......at least she was my girlfriend...and not yours....our someone's wife.)

-Muffler...gotta gotta put one BACK on the truck. Yeah, it was perfectly fine until I crawled under the truck one day with a hacksaw in hand.......Yeah, that shit def upped the redneck level of the truck by a few notches....it was/is awesome.

-Leaky ass power steering unit: Who gives a shit???? aint like I didn't disconnect that shit and rode out with it for like 6 months.....hhmmmm that gives me an idea. If I disconnect it again, and let all of the fluid run out, then hey.....no leaky ass power steering unit....no problem (Yeah, I think I just figured out how to beat the system. So fucking what if you have to be a damn MAN to steer that bitch. I'm a damn MAN, if you can't handle it, then keep yo bitch ass out of the driver's seat)

-Door handle....So, part of the inspection criteria is that you must be able to open all doors from the inside and out......yeah, my whole driverside door handle situation is fucked.......straight FUCKED. Like, even if I could find another door handle fixture and shit to put back in there, it wouldn't matter because the sheet metal that you are supposed to mount it to is torn.......it doesn't bother me to wind down the window and open the door from the outside, why does it bother you and or the state of Md.??? ....bitch

-Emissions....they check that shit too..I don't know for sure if my emissions are gonna come out bad, but seeing how I have had issues with my exhaust gas recirculation system....I'm pretty sure my shit is dumping a few extra chemicals into the atmosphere. Maybe I will remedy that by installing a lil cotton ass filter whilst I am putting in my new cheap ass muffler.......yeah, I went on line and found the cheapest muffler that I possibly could find. It is like $27. I'm gonna clamp that shit on as shittily as I possibly can....and hope like hell that shit falls off in the parking lot RIGHT after they give me my inspection sticker saying I passed.

Yeah, your vehicl only has to pass inspection once. That pisses me off, like I there has to be a billion other old ass cars in Md that are shittier than my truck, but since they were last bought/sold when they were new/pretty new they easily passed inspection and can now rot afuckingpart....but the truck (Mind you, it will be 15 this summer) has to go through this shit. Straight Byoolshit.


The Verizon vs AT&T commercials are tripping me the fuck out. Lemme preface this part of the rant with a joke. (Yeah, I stole this shit from Micheal Conyers.......I'm sure most of y'all don't even remember him)

So.....a mouse and an elephant are walking through the jungle.......just coolin out and shit...smokin' on a fat ass blunt. The elephant was bogartin' the shit out of the blunt, tomboutsum "Bitch, I'm big as fugg.....I gotta hit this shit longer....the logistics on this shit is bananas..."

Anyway.....

The motherfuckas are walking through the jungle and the motherfuckin' mouse falls in a big ass hole...like fell all the way to the bottom of that bitch.

The elephant, higher than a muhfuggah is like "Aye lil nigga, don't even sweat it...I gotchu" This big sumbitch pulls out his dack and drops down into the hole.

The mouse is PISSED ".....the fuck wrong witcho big ass?"

Elephant "Naw, muhfuggah, no homo, but you can run up my dick and be out the hole n' shit"

So, the mouse ran up on the elephant's dick and made it out the hole and was all happy and shit, but made sure to wash the shit outta his feet cause the elephant used to fuck a lotta hoes.

So, a few weeks later...they are out kickin it again. Walkin' in the jungle.....smokin a blunt (the mouse made the elephant buy this time)

So, yeah, they are walkin' and shit and all of a sudden, the elephant falls in a huge ass hole. The mouse is like "Hey, homey, don't even sweat it.....I gotchu" Mouse runs off, and shows back up about 45 mins later....with his mercedes.

The mouse hollars out the window "Hey, dog, reach your long ass Gonzo from the Muppets ass nose and grab my bumper. Grab hold of my bumper and I'll pull you out"

So, the mouse pulls the big ass elephant out of the hole and all is well.

Moral of the story...if you have a Mercedes, you don't need a big ass dick.


So, Verizon and AT&T is such a dick contest. Verizon is all "Hey America, look how big my dick is....my dick is big and red and covers up yo big ass tv screen, motherfuckah." and AT&T is all like "Nigga, look how good I am with my moderately sized dick.....look at what I can do and how well I can do it. So what if you dick is big, Verizon, nigga you still don't know how to fuck. Nigga, my stroke is SICK, son." And verizon comes back like "Yeah, well...my dick is HUGE kid.....mother fuckin huge....nigga, they call me DANGLE in this motherfuckuh."

AT&T is like "So, bitch, you still cant work them corners and side walls like me......who gon' check me?"


So, yeah, again I realized that Md. Has some wack ass laws. I had a run with that shit this weekend. Led to a really shitty weekend...gonna cost me a super grip ass grip (Yeah, so that shit is on top of the shit for registration and truck repairs and oh, yeah, the $1400-$1700 dollars worth of dental work I need done because I started grinding my teeth in my sleep after I lost my job) Shit aint too good for your boy right now.

So, I have a friend, a female friend that I have been super nice too, sympathetic to her fucked up ass situations and shit. Taken her out, bought her food and drinks, let her stay in hotel rooms with me a couple times, free of charge, I've spent countless hours on the phone with her while she cried about her ex-boyfriend and shit...actually if you go back a few years a bunch of cock blocking ass hours in person too. I've been stupid nice to chick. Stupid nice, especially considering I'm not even trying to fugg. She ain't ugly, and under normal circumstances I damn sure would have tried to put some in her hair, but she is the ex of one my best friends...yeah, E-dot, I'm talking about your girl.

So I tell her about my FUCKED up weekend (via yahoo im), she asks if I am serious about what I told her and then goes on to talk about how she just saw someone get beat down by the cops or some shit. Like...my fuckin' problem didn't matter worth a shit. And believe you me, my shit is/was pretty really seriously fucked.

Yeah, she can thank her damn self for losing someone, that she has said herself, was one of her best friends that has always been there for her.....good job, B.

Ummm what else????


......Idk

I guess I'll save some for later.


-the Muthafuggin BULLY

Maybe I should blog on it.....

I'm not, though.

Not now, at least.

Ok, maybe I will.......

Sometimes I wish I could feel a certain way about certain things......but then maybe sometimes I'm glad I don't feel a certain way about sertain things.

Most of the time i wish I didn't feel shit about a lot of things.

Used to be that way.....life was a little more dull, though, but a lot more carefree.

Fuckin' trade offs.

I feel way more shit about shit now than I ever have....it sucks.

Ugh....I need to detox, but don't quite have the strength to do it, ok maybe I have the strength, but not the dsicipline.

Fuck it.........I actually have both. I just lack the desire to do it....whole hearted desire, at least.

I know what needs to be done, and I should just do it.


I really should.....logically, what I'm doing is pointless.

Too bad the non-logical side of me is punk.

Dear Regularly Sex Having Muthafuchahs

FUCK YOOOOUUUUUUAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Naw, seriously........fuck you.


.....Ugh

Yeah, so my mood is getting all fucked up. And I've been through this before. I know what i am getting into, and what it will turn into. When I was in Texas I went for a long ass time without getting any guts, and when I finally did.....OH. EM. GEE.

Like.....that shit changed my whole perspective on life and the world and all that shit. After I got that long due non manually achieved nut, the birds sang prettier, the sky was bluer, the sun was warmer and brighter.....fuckin Rush Limbaugh wasn't that bad of a dude and Bush was actually a pretty aight President. And I was happy and had that "Everything is gonna be alright" feeling.

Now....I'm just a little pissy.

But I'm getting worse.

I've slept with....yes, JUST SLEPT....like cuddle a little, like platonicly, with my homegirl (We have always just slept together and stuff...not on a relationship type thing,just on a "hey, this is nice" type thing). We have done it twice. The first time it was cool. The second time not so much. I was like "We aren't gonna be doing this for long......this platonic shit isn't what I want and I am just gonna get pissed and be like fuck all that.

I think I am at that point now......like 3-4 days later.

My pissivity level is increasing exponentially. ....fuck that linear shit. (non math peeps, Google a graph of y=a+bx and y=x^n then compare.......yeah, nigga, I'm assigning homework)


I kinda wanna see if I can finish out 2009 with out having secks....but I might end up flippin the fuck out on a mofo.....if around the middle of November y'all hear about some thick ass Mighty Joe Young ass looking nigga running around the DMV grippin up women's asses and slappin the shit out of their boyfriends.....then you will know the strain was too much for my feable little sanity.



-the Muthafuckin' BULLY

Oh, oh yeah

My dad's twin brother died a couple weeks ago.

Believe it or not, I actually felt bad for my dad. My dad's twin brother was one of the VERY few things he truly loved. He truly loved his twin brother, his mom, and Kappa Alpha fuckin Psi.

His moms died when I was like two....and no she was not a particularly nice lady. I mean, fuuuccckkkk, yeah, I think I was more aware of things than your average 2 yr old, and maybe that is evident of me remembering shit from when I was two, but she was never really all that nice to my sister or I.

She didn't like my moms.

Actually, none of those low life piece of shit motherfuckers (dad's fam) liked my mom.

Fuck them.

Anyway, my dad's twin brother died and I actually felt bad for my dad. Fucking getting older and softer and all emotional is a fuckin' trip.

So moms and sis are going to the funeral.

Well, moms, sis, and sis' dude are going down ther.


Pops wants me to come.

Fuck that.

1) I don't go to funerals. I put on the suit and meet you back at the crib where people will be after the funeral. I'll eat, and I'll kick it with you and make jokes and shit. I don't do funerals. When Big Chris' pops died, I put on the suit, drove moms to the Church, picked moms up from the church and went back to the crib, and cut jokes.

2)WWWWHHHYYYYYYY the fuck should I be expected to show up to some nigga's funeral that prolly wouldn't even be dead right now if he didn't smoke so many fuckin' rocks?

I mean, it kinda does make me sad, cause I know that pops won't be living much longer either, as he has also enjoyed a great many of the rocks, but shit.

Another question is will I go to Pops' funeral when ever he dies?

Idk....I mean....I can't even say I would want to join up with those people after the service and eat and cut jokes.

Just thought about something....someone once told me that they were jealous of how close I am with my family and because I was able to always do stuff with them.

I don't fuck with ANYONE on my dad's side of the family. Don't have a relationship with my my moms mom. Haven't cared for my uncle since I was like 9 or 10. and Care MUCH less for him now...or the past few years.

For all real purposes I have 2 people in my family that I kick it with. 2.

I mean yeah, me and moms and sis have a real real good thing going, but it is just us. I think it would be nice to be able to go and visit this uncle and that aunt and this cousin and that cousin. I don't even fuckin respond to my dad's twin brother's kids when they write on my myspace wall. (Ok, I have no real reason for that, other than they have the family name. I shouldn't be so bad about them...i should reach out to them........)

Anyway....that's enough of that shit.

-the ever lovin BULLY

Merging Monster

Thats waht the fuck I am. I am kinda starting to enjoy driving in DC, and learning to drive like a DC person. These cats drive pretty aggressively, and not unlike assholes......and I refuse to be out aggressively driven or assholed.

Okay, most of the times I've driven in DC I've been on chill mode. I'm getting older and much more relaxed. (Fugg you, Rock Head, I'm not a sissy, just more sensible. And I hope you are ok...if I don't hear from you with in a week, you better believe I'm calling your damn job.)

Naw, but what had happened was, I drove the ol' green truck (My '95 extended cab f-150) to DC this past weekend. Drove that bitch all over...all around Suitland, Bowie, down to Adams Morgan, over to Silver Spring (picked up some DC chick, for lunch, in the truck....cause I don't give a fuck.....which is hella funny, cause the truck is old and wore out...damn near hooptie status (ac doesn't work, driverside inside door handle is broken off so I have to reach out the window and open my door from outside, i'm sure it smells a little sweaty, and then smells from the various fluids (Powersteering and Transmissions fluids, Some antifreeze/coolant and the bottles all leak and keep the floor in the back seat a nice wet oily mess) that I have to keep on hand because of the leaking issues. Its mine, though and I've had it since I was 14 and I loves it) Nigga.....when you are driving a fourteen year old truck with fucked up paint on the hood and roof and you try to merge, people just let you because they know you don't give a fugg.

Wait, did I also forget to mention the big ass dent in the front bumper and the dents and scratches on the passenger side from some trees one time? Or that the rims are all dull and wore out looking?

Yeah, that is my muthafuckin truck.

Blow me.

Anyway...your boy is a non-profiteer now. I am volunteering my time and efforts to this lovely org: Louise's Angels. It's a great cause....it's purpose is to empower inner city girls. It is just getting started by a very motivated and intelligent young lady. I'd gush more about it, but it prolly deserves it's own blog, so I will gush more there.

Yeah, but go check it out. If you are in the DC area, letchur boy know. I'll let you know bout what we got going on.

But...... yeah, your boy is finally getting into the not-for-profit world. Working with Louise's Angels will not only be a great outlet for me to use to give to the community, it will also help me learn what I will need to know to eventually do my own thang.

yyyuuuuppppp

-the BULLY

p.s.: gucci bandana, gucci gucci bandana

......Ugh

I'm tired.

The weather is all shitty, like grey and a little rainy.

Traveling all last week has kinda knocked me off of what was becoming a decent sleep routine, and hydration regiment.

I am feeling a little homesick. Like.... there is just stuff going on back home and I feel like I should be there for my mom and sis.

Top 3 things going on at home:
1) Moms is kinda sick
2) My sister is dating some dude (not that he is a bad dude, but I would like for her to be with someone that is doing more with his life, but he seems nice and he is making my happy so that is what is most important)......there was some drama that started over a rumor (I hope thats all it was) (And since my sis is dating dude that leaves her less time to spend with moms)
3) My Dad's brother died on Saturday and the funeral stuff is kinda stressing moms out because my dad's fam has been straight up dicks to her before (I don't fucks with my dads fam....)
4) I'm missing the Amazon....yeah yeah yeah, I don't think she was right for me and all that, but I do care about her and feel really close to her. I don't bitch about my problems to many people. Not like personal emotional type stuff. And when I mean not many I mean like only Moms and the Amazon and my sis. And I had gotten to the point to where I talked about more stuff to the Amazon. And I miss the little stuff like watching tv and shit with her and like when I am run across cool restaurants or museums or some shit, the first thing that goes through my mind is "Ooh, I should bring the Amazon here, she would love this". And I think like If I miss doing all of this with her why do I not with her. And I guess it goes back to her not being right for me. I miss her when I haven't been with her, but the feeling fades after being with her for a while and spending extended periods of time with her.

I don't understand that shit.



So, anyway, there is a void left by her. Pretty damn big void. (Yeah, your boy is open........like i spend time with a nice chick and I want more.....and mmmooooorrrreee. And to make things worse, I think going through this whole no job thing has made me a lot softer. I don't handle adverse situations well.)

I ended up hanging out with her some on Sunday night. It was hella cool, but then it kinda wasn't. It wasn't the same (big surprise there). The differenceness built up in me which led me to abruptly leaving.

I wish I never went over there.

I went because she called me to get some stuff I had left over there, like a couple old t-shirts and a pair of old ass sweatpants. I was kinda hoping that meant she just wanted me to come over so we could hang like we used to do.

Yeah, well, its my bed.....I gotta lay in it.....I gotta lay in it by mydamnself.

-Mr. Pickle

Shady and Suspect.....

So, I met this chick last weekend.....during the most awkward weekend ever, and we have talked a couple times. She seems aight.....I'm still trying to figure out some of these D.C. folks. Well, actually, not trying to do too much figuring. D.C. has the most rediculously high S.T.D. rates of all time. ......like rediculous, and I love Steve and myself wwwwaaaayyyyy tttooooo muuuccchhhh to fuck around and end up with Swine Clap. And since this is DC, and tons of gay dudes i feel the need to explain that Steve is the name of my wiener.

Anyway, back to chick. I added her as a friend on twitter and her profile says she is a blogger. I ask her about her blog and she is tells me she does not want me to read it, at least not now. So, I'm all like "Damn, what are you trying to hide?" and she says some crap about her just not wanting me to read it yet, so fine. Ioneven tell most chicks about the blog because I talk about their asses hard on here sometimes.....Ha!

So that was the beginning of last week. I talked to her last night and ended up telling her I blogged too, but wasn't gonna tell her my site address. I'd do it when she did it. And all of a sudden holding that shit back is now "shady".

I tells her "What's good for the goose is good for the gander".

And I am talking more about how damn near all of my twitter friends are blogger buddies and we all frequent the same blog.

"That's shady and suspect...."

I ask her what's the difference between her doing it and I, then tell her "If you don't like it, then don't do it."

Sooooo, yyyeeeaaahhhh.....lol.

-Mr. Funktastic

p.s.: I didn't put on deoderant this morning.